Telling the Truth
This blog has quieted down, not due to intention but because of life's busy-ness. I intended to finish posting about the 10 fantastic days I spent in LA at the beginning of July; about Eric's surprise visit the second weekend I was there and then a birthday trip to go whale watching at the end of July. A quick trip home for my mom's birthday/retirement/moving away party. Even about the print show I was in earlier this year and the projects at work. Unfortunately, none of those stories made it to words on a screen, and in the mean time life threw the ultimate emotional punch. Eric and I are in the messy and complicated phase of breaking up.
The past 3 days have been terribly emotional, raw, heavy, and light. I've often struggled with blogging because of my fear of being vulnerable; of actually writing what I am feeling and thinking. Going through this parting of ways feels like the perfect opportunity to document the emotions, the pain and the growth. The more I tell the story, the more real and apart from me it becomes. The more it enters the past.
Ultimately, it feels like I am steering the ship again, rather than being held captive on a sinking ship. What's interesting is that I certainly didn't feel captive when I was in the relationship, but as soon as the switch happened, there was a new clarity.
One of the most complicated parts of the last few days has been the realization that what I want from my partner and from the future is not Eric. I have been telling myself it was Eric for so very long, afraid of acknowledging my doubts and his flaws. Slowly beginning to extract the reality from the illusion has been incredibly scary and liberating.The sense of grief due to loss has been the strongest emotion thus far. And yet the knowledge that what I lost wasn't what I truly wanted is so soothing.
I woke up on Wednesday, day 1 as a single person, feeling lighter than I have in ages. I feel so unburdened, and in between bouts of tears, can't stop smiling. Looking ahead is bright and empowering.